I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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