Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
