Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
