Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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