what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
