Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
