I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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