Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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