I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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