Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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