I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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