apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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