1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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