Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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