So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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