My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
