I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
