so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
