I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
