the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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