i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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