he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
