there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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