I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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