Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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