we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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