I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
