Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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