I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
