Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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