i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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