She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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