The maid of honor just puked.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
