and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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