i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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