We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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