I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
