Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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