Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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