I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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