they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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