Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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