I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
