I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
