Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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