Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Randomize
