she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
