I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
