I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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