we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
