I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
