so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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