so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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