You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
