Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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