so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
