I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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