How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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