I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
How does one acquire holy water?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm both gender and math confused
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
